Love or Perish

I have a guest writer again this week, Connie Hill. Connie is an amazing woman who shares her testimony of overcoming adversity within herself with the love of God. She and her best friend, Leah Rocha have an amazing ministry called The Butterfly Effect where they are touching lives and God is changing hearts in many diverse areas. They minister to ALL women and love on them and allow the Holy Spirit to do His job. I personally am in awe of the woman Connie has become in the last 6 months and I know that God has yet another amazing adventure in store for her and her family. Blessings in over abundance to her and her wonderful family, who have overcome the enemies plan through the Grace of GOD!! Enjoy reading and leave her a comment.

As I sit here today, these words ring so true to my heart. Let me start off by telling you a little about myself. I have been married for 15 years and I am a stay at home mom. My Husband and I have three children. Our daughter Cayla is twelve, our daughter Avery is eleven, and our son Calvary is eight. I home school all three of my children and my best friends youngest daughter. I have many hobbies on the side, which include baking novelty cakes with my best friend, cooking for my family and friends, and working with flowers such as wedding bouquets and floral arrangements. God has blessed me with a creative mind and talented hands. I have not always felt talented or gifted in any area, and as a matter of fact I felt rather useless, forgotten and unworthy of any new strong relationships. I had been used and abused and felt damaged beyond repair. How many men, women or even children in our lives can relate to just that statement right there? Unfortunately, some of us may never know or find out until it is too late that there are people in our lives that feel just that way.


Last July 2, 2009, I was dealt with what felt like a final blow to my heart and spirit. I thought to God “this is it. It’s over and I'm tired of fighting.” I had been through one affair and now a second. I thought to myself, "what have I done to deserve this?" I was relieved to hear the truth because honestly I already knew the truth in my heart and I had given up on the work it takes in a marriage a long time ago. So, when my husband of 14 years at the time said he was leaving I was relieved to know ..... To know that I didn't have to live in the constant fear of being hurt anymore. I got up went to my church and said okay, teach me how to be a single mom.

I was so ready, but I didn't know what was in store for me at that very moment. One of my sweet friends looked me in the eyes and said "Connie, not that I disagree or do not believe that you have the right to walk away, heck I even think you should! But Connie did you ask God?

I was livid on the inside. What??? NO!!! Why would I ask God??!! He had His chance to warn me and He had his chance to save me, to save my marriage. After all the angry thoughts flew through my mind in a matter of seconds, I knew that she was right and I even knew the answer.

Okay, God here we go again.

I still had not learned to trust Him totally. Actually, I still had not learned that not trusting Him totally was to not trust Him at all. Who had my heart?? God or my husband?? Love or anger?? Fear or hate?? I'm going to have to say that a little of all of the above which made a mess of me and my life. The next year of my life would be like a ship in the middle of a hurricane.

I had good days and bad days. Days where I knew God's promises and his love and days I didn't care and all I could feel was the hurt and the pain and the fear that I was making the biggest mistake of my life. Could trusting God really be the biggest mistake of my life? Well, now that's just laughable. I finally got to the point where I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, and thought the only answer to freedom was to change my relationship and circumstances. I ended up sitting in a restaurant with my best friend balling my eyes out. The only way I could explain it to her was that I'm just tired, and I want it to stop.

You see I felt like if I left him I would be hurting my kids. If I stayed I would be judged by my friends as being weak. If I stayed I would be miserable because I could not figure out how to get past it. I could not find the right to stay or leave on my own.

On the bad days I couldn't even leave my room. I couldn't be around my children because they had no idea what I had been through with their father. We loved each other and you would have never known from the outside that anything was wrong.

I have a group along with my best friend called The Butterfly Effect. I would tell the girls all the time you got to let go. Mistakes don't define you. Walk in love, live out loud, dream out loud. While at the same time I felt like I was dying on the inside. I knew all these truths but did I really believe them for my self? I thought to myself, "I guess I'm just not the kind of girl you fight for. Not the kind of girl you're faithful to. Not the kind of girl that deserves respect." Because no matter how hard I worked or how hard I thought I loved...I couldn't do enough to earn it. I had two different realities going on which made me feel like I was going crazy. I wanted to die. If leaving my husband was going to make me the bad guy and staying was going to make me miserable, then death seemed like the next best thing. Man, self-pity was my best friend at this point. I was giving up! So what happened? What turned things around? What was it that I finally came to realize?

God loves me.

In the midst of me being angry with him, and with my husband, and my friends, God loves me. He was still right where we left off waiting with his hand out saying come on baby girl we got this!! Find me in the middle, find me all around you. I started to truly know God's unconditional love for me and for my husband. I saw the issue for once and not the person. Sure I may have gotten a glimpse of it from time to time, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this now, that’s called God's grace. God had begun sometime back to talk to me about his covenant with me. And I began to see just what it meant and how it mirrored my marriage covenant. God will never leave me for any reason whatsoever. He doesn't go back to square one with me, so I don't have to go back to square one either. I got a righteous anger that welled up deep inside me. Honey, the fight was on like Donkey Kong!!!! I told God, alright I will do it. I will be that girl, your daughter, that you have called me to be!! Oh adultery, where is your sting?? This sin has no longer got power over me! I felt 20 feet tall and in an instant the fear was gone. It was inside me the whole time. He was with me the whole time. My husband wasn’t holding me back; fear wasn't holding me back; anger wasn't holding me back. It was only me that was holding ME back! I truly believe there is no excuse for staying in the pit. Romans 20: For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities, his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.

God is truly undeniable! I also went through a 3-day class called S.O.S. at Zac's Ridge that is similar to pathways or discovery for those of you who know what this is. It changed my life and helped me be more grounded in the decision that I had already made not to give up. I had 30 classmates and God and very loving leaders look me in the face and tell me Connie, GET OVER IT!! LOL some may say OUCH!! I did think oh man, they are so right. I'm the one chaining my own feet to the ground! So I did. I got over it. I finally took my own advice for once and I let go...it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Sometimes holding on to that fear, etc...becomes like a security blanket. I thought if I let go and move on what’s going to keep me from getting hurt again? Why would I get all better just to have the rug pulled out from under my feet. I was fighting against every thing I knew. God and His love for me, for my husband and my family. (God is love at work and love is God at work - When we are working with love, we are working with God) this is from one of my most cherished books, by Stella Terrill Mann, printed back in the 1940s. I had a choice. To make Love or Perish.

For the first time in 9 yrs I don't have good days and bad days. I have the days God has given and I have a choice to make the most of it. Hasn't it always been about a choice? We are all given a choice. What will your choice be today? Stand up dust your self off and start walking!!! I say love like God or perish. We cannot live a whole life without God's love. So many people need to see and experience God's true love. To see the face of God in his people the way he intended it. Not by how we feel or by circumstances or relationships, but by the only one truth. That truth is that God's love is unconditional and there is only one definition for unconditional...UNCONDITIONAL.

What I am most thankful for is that God is always there.

This is a song a wanted to share with you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geHF1zbA25U copy and paste into your browser.

I want to encourage you to LOVE hard, PRAY hard, LIVE hard, and PLAY hard!



-Connie Hill